Crawling Back

September 30, 2012 § 4 Comments

A week from now, I’m coming home.

Not before what I like to call the “vacation component,” of this journey begins. Up until now, I haven’t considered my travels a “vacation.” I’ve been working, punctuating my journey with occasional stops in major cities. I want to be able to spend time in a city without having to worry about getting to another volunteer post on time. First, I’ll stop in Paris for two nights. (That city never fails to draw me in.) Then I’m off to Dublin for four nights. Then I fly home.

I realized about mid-way through last week that my heart is no longer in this. This is my third farming experience, and I still don’t love it. I’ve become alarmingly apathetic, which, sadly is evident in my work. Neither my hosts nor myself benefit from this. The same goes for those who would’ve hosted me in the coming weeks. It’s also untrue to me. I’m not careless person.

I’m not cut out for the nomadic lifestyle. I can’t travel for long stretches of time aimlessly. I can’t delay all those important decisions I need to make about my post-graduate life. You know, that “next step.”

Now I’m ready to take that “next step.” It’s funny. When I flew to Europe in late July, the last thing I wanted was a job. But I couldn’t put the future out of my mind the whole time I was traveling. I want a job, preferably one that pays. I want a place to call my own in a new city.

Coming to terms with all of this wasn’t easy. I was depressed. I felt like a complete failure. I was supposed to evolve into a wild, fun-loving adventurer up for just about anything. Here I was being my old sensible, pragmatic self. I thought that I hadn’t changed at all.

I couldn’t ignore what I really wanted in the end: to start a new life.

These travels almost didn’t happen. My parents practically pushed me onto the plane. The months following my college graduation were stagnant. I wasn’t unmotivated. I wasn’t complacent. I was terrified of making the wrong move. Travel or settle down? But if there’s one thing I’ve gleaned from these last two month’s it’s this: just take a step. Any step. It might be the wrong step. Who cares? Trust yourself enough to know that you’ll figure things out.

I have stories about my short time in Brittany. I plan on sharing them, although I’m not sure when or how. I’ll certainly have other thoughts to post.

In the meantime, I’m going to make the most of my final day on a farm. So far I’ve cleaned up lots chicken shit, milked several goats, and been lectured in French multiple times. I’d say it’s been a good day.

As you can see, my sense of humor has come a long, long way.

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§ 4 Responses to Crawling Back

  • irmavillarreal says:

    Oh Emma…you make me laugh, cry and beam with pride for you. You did it — you leaned in, you went outside your comfort zone and you survived. No, you thrived. Congratulations on a journey well traveled. Can’t wait to read the book! Enjoy your last bit of time….see you on this end when we see you.

  • awrams says:

    you made me cry (happy, proud tears). you are an amazing young woman. can’t wait to have you back home 🙂

  • Ann Ramsay says:

    Have fun in Paris…wish I was with you! I’m looking forward to your return…safe travels! Love you, Anna

    ________________________________

  • Molly says:

    Sounds like you have lived, learned, reflected… It’s all good (très bon, n’est-ce pas?). Embrasse la capitale pour moi. Paris est un trésor. Apprécie chaque moment que tu y passeras. A bientôt.

    Ta tante Molly

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