October 16, 2012 § 1 Comment
I came home a little more than a week ago. It’s been lovely. Cool, crisp autumn weather has set in. I’m catching up with my family. I have a room of my own, a well-equipped kitchen to cook in, and plenty of English-language books to read.
But I have to face the truth. I’m unemployed, relatively poor, and I still live with my parents. I have no friends left in my hometown. I don’t even like my hometown.
I need to get my act together. I need to get out.
I was stuck in one place prior to traveling, immobilized by my own indecisiveness and anxieties. I became unstuck while I was in Europe. As my time abroad wore on, I finally began to make some important decisions about the direction of my life post-graduation.
I’m researching career opportunities and attempting to network. I’m slowly making progress. On some days, however, I feel as though I never left. These are the days when I do exactly what I did before traveling. The sorts of things I did in order to avoid thinking about my future. I take walks to the library. I cook. I read. I waste time on the internet. That’s it.
It’s on those sorts of days I wonder if my resolve to strike out on my own will disappear. Then I remember that being unmotivated no longer an option for me. Unless I really want to stay in a nondescript suburb indefinitely.
I don’t know what to do with this blog anymore. I started it so I could share my experiences with family and friends (and online creepers) in real time. I’ve still got stories to share. But the urgency and immediacy that made my previous posts intriguing is gone now that I’ve stopped traveling.
I don’t want this blog to become some contrived manifesto of post-grad life, a pathetic documentation of all my first-world problems.
There’s a lot of uncertainty in my life. Strangely, I’m OK with this.
I acknowledge that uncertainty in this context is a positive thing. Uncertainty implies decisions to be made. By me, of course. I get to decide what happens next.
I’m in control.