Unsettled

January 24, 2013 Comments Off on Unsettled

I want to tell you about my first week in Portland.  My new surroundings and all of the pleasant experiences I’ve had. The food I’ve cooked for my lovely host and all of the amazing coffee I’ve consumed.

Perhaps another time.

My first week in Portland was imperfect. I was sick the first couple of days I was here. Nothing more than a head cold, but it was powerful enough to siphon away most of my energy. It was around this time  that I began to have second-thoughts about making this move. I wondered why I’d moved to a place without any job prospects and with limited funds. Why I’d purposefully removed myself from my support system.

I overwhelmed myself. I spent an entire morning crying what might be described as an “ugly cry.”

All of that confidence I projected in my last post? Temporarily gone. I haven’t cried since. I guess I owed it to myself. I didn’t let myself cry on my first day in Portland. Right when I felt like crying, I started unpacking and searching for cafes on Yelp. Because that’s what you do to keep yourself from crying. Stay occupied.

It’s going to take a while before I feel truly happy in this wonderful place. I don’t feel like I’m on vacation, but I don’t feel like I live here either. I don’t have my own space or steady income. Almost no one knows who I am.

I don’t like it at all. Well, I don’t have to like it.

I realize now that I have to experience extreme discomfort and confusion before I can call Portland my home. I learned to accept these negative feelings as part of my life while I was in Europe. I experienced them daily, and I figured out how to not let them adversely affect me. I’m re-learning this lesson here in Portland.

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